DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“The Antiques Roadshow of terrorism”
The panel of peril don their sharpest suit, take a swig of a vodka martini (shaken not stirred) and sit nonchalantly to watch this week’s film Tomorrow Never Dies (Roger Spottiswoode, 1997).
James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) has got his work cut out for him this time around as he locks horns with weedy media mogul Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce). There’s something distinctly shady about this Rupert Murdoch avatar, and M (Judi Dench) wants 007 on the case, pronto! He’ll be joined by Chinese operative Wai Ling (Michelle Yeoh) in trying to take down the delicious villain.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqrk7-mx2D0
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Old man Carver is a bit of a naughty boy. He’s trying to manufacture a conflict between the UK and China. To do so he utilises the might of his media empire - including newspaper Tomorrow – and also missiles, goons and that. His prize? Exclusive news peddling rights in China. What an absolute heel. Will Bond and Ling be able to stop Carver and avert war, and how will the panel improve on this diabolical scheme?
Did the panel enjoy this week’s cinematic serving? Could they find a way to improve the villainous plan? And who will be named this week’s most diabolical (person/podcast((er)))?
Music by Bruno Magic from Pixabay
Music by Geoff Harvey from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Music by Julius H. from Pixabay

“He is a bit of a patsy. He’s a little b!tch”
The panel of peril settle down with a delicious-looking, open topped, fried egg sandwich to watch this week’s cinematic treat Studio Ghibli’s Castle In The Sky (Hayao Miyazaki, 1986).
Sheeta (Anna Paquin) and Pazu (James Van Der Beek) are two young rapscallions on the hunt for the adventure, primarily centred around Sheeta’s mysterious crystal necklace. That necklace saves her from certain doom several times over and may well lead her to the lost sky city of Laputa and the titular castle. But with sky pirates, the army and the mysterious Muska (Mark Hamill) on their trail will they make it in one piece?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ykEy-yPBFc
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Not only does the necklace lead Sheeta, her friends, and her enemies to Laputa but it has the ability to harness the power of the floating island. Power that Muska – a long lost relative of Sheeta! – wants to harness for his own nefarious ends. There’s also a bunch of really cool robots who have become one with nature to contend with. But who’s magnificent flying machines will travel fast enough to claim the prize first?
What did the heck panel think of this week’s movie? How in all that is holy can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And which evil schemer will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
Music Inspiring Emotional Uplifting Piano - Pixabay
Music Relaxing Birds and piano music - Pixabay
Everybody gather ‘round and enjoy a nice cool glass of Laputa juice with this tie-in trailer: https://youtu.be/REUvSmsPzlI?si=FWdkANekdxjO_cqD

“The story of forbidden love between a bee and a human woman”
The panel of peril bleach their hair, pump some iron, and get harangued onto a space rocket heading for the distant planet of Mongo! Fortunately, the in-flight movie is Flash Gordon (Mike Hodges, 1980), so there’s that.
Flash (Sam Jones) has it all: hair, muscles, tight t-shart – but when he and erstwhile companion Dale (Melody Anderson) are whisked away and confronted by Ming The Merciless (Max Von Sydow), no amount of muscle tees can save him. Deciding to destroy planet Earth on a mere whim, Ming is the kind of tyrant who demands loyalty from all of his subjects, be they bird men (Brian Blessed) or Errol Flynn types (Timothy Dalton). Can Flash do stuff to stop the thing?! Likely so, yes.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6uOHnxf85g
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
All Flash has to do to stop the untimely destruction of our byowtiful home planet is unite the warring tribes of Mongo, and break the hold that Ming has over his populace. Should be easy right? WRONG! It will be very, very DIFFICULT because they DO NOT LIKE EACH OTHER! Ha, ha, just like the wars that happen upon our beyoomtiful home planet, amirite? In all seriousness though, he’s got his work cut out for him, has Flash, bigly.
What the actual flip did the panel make of this one? How the actual flip can they improve upon the villain’s dastardly scheme? And who the actual flip will be victorious in this week’s competition?
Sound Effect by Aleksandr Karabanov from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Music by Geoff Harvey from Pixabay

“It made me bored of sex”
Laughing at nothing in particular, the panel of peril sit down in overly dramatic fashion to watch this week’s cinematic tour de force The Room (Tommy Wiseau, 2003).
Johnny (Wiseau) is such a great guy. Such a great, great guy. He’s going to get a promotion for sure, everyone loves him, his lovemaking technique is top class, and he’s superb at football. But ungrateful harpy of a girlfriend Lucy (Juliette Danielle) doesn’t think so. She thinks he’s a real drag and would rather get it on with Mark (Greg Sestero). That’s it.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG_e8k9PILM
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
And get it on with Mark she does, several times, and then Johnny finds out and, well… That would be a spoiler too far. Infamously incompetent in its scripting, direction, and performances, The Room is a must-see for aficionados of bad cinema and fans of those unafraid to try – not matter their competency level.
What did the heck panel think of this week’s movie? How in all that is holy can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And which evil schemer will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
This episode is dedicated to Sam Steinson.

“Your eardrums are going to be sh!tting themselves”
The panel of peril take a well-earned break from romancing a wealthy old dear, in order to be gifted a large cheque, naturally, and relax by watching this week’s film The Producers (Mel Brooks, 1967).
Max Bialystock (Zero Mostel) is a producer of the stage whose glory days are far behind him. His rent is in arrears and his main source of income comes from swindling wealthy old ladies of their savings. That is until child-like accountant Leo Bloom (Gene Wilder) discovers that they could make more money producing a flop than a hit. Will they be successful in creating the worst show of the season?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTW2ZSjG5N0
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Selecting a show written by “former” Nazi Franz Liebkind (Kenneth Mars) named Springtime For Hitler, Max and Leo are confident the show will flop. Little do they know that director and star will conspire to turn the show into a camp comedy that the audience warms to surprisingly quickly. Is this the end of our venerable scoundrels hopes of absconding to Rio?
Did the panel enjoy this week’s cinematic serving? Could they find a way to improve the villainous plan? And who will be named this week’s most diabolical (person/podcast((er)))?
Music by Sergei Chetvertnykh from Pixabay
Music by Geoff Harvey from Pixabay
Music by Grand_Project from Pixabay
Music by Yevhen Onoychenko from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Music by Alban_Gogh from Pixabay
Sound Effect by Shiden Beats Music from Pixabay
Music by Julius H. from Pixabay
Music by Broadway Walk from Pixabay

“He'd be a YouTube prankster now wouldn't he. Instead of a serial killer”
Pulling the blank featureless mask over their face, the Panel of Peril breath in deeply and out deeper. They consider picking up a kitchen knife, but instead plump for a DVD of this week’s film, John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978).
Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) is an outlier among her group of high school friends. She has no date for the school dance and doesn’t drink or smoke. So, when homicidal maniac Michael Myers (Tony Moran) returns to the her hometown of Haddonfield, her position as a bit of a wet blanket will ensure that she can keep a beady eye fixed on The Shape’s movements.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5ke9IPTIJQ
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Myers rampages through the town, killing anyone who gets in his way – primarily Laurie’s babysitter friends. Fortunately, Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasance) is on the case, with his trusty little pistol, and dead set on stopping the boiler suit-wearing bruiser. Will Laurie survive All Hallows Eve, or will Myers run through everyone and go unpunished?
Did the panel enjoy this week’s cinematic serving? Could they find a way to improve the villainous plan? And who will be named this week’s most diabolical (person/podcast((er)))?

“Everyone likes a comic on the bog”
The panel of peril dress entirely in green, mutter something about being afraid of something or something, and strap themselves into the Ludovico chair to watch Green Lantern (Martin Campbell, 2011).
Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is your standard authority-bucking, secretly fearful, movie fighter pilot. His relationship with childhood friends Carol (Blake Lively) and Hector (Peter Sarsgaard) is as strained as his attempts at improvised sass. But when a space alien gives Hal a magic ring that harnesses the power of the colour green… well, you can be sure that a bunch of stuff happens in a serviceable fashion, and no mistake.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-GO9fo9DtM
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Right, the bad guy is a big cloudy CG fella named Parallax. He can use the power of the colour YELLOW to harness fear, power up and go ham on whoever or whatever he wants! And he wants to go ham on the Green Lantern home planet of Oa and take out the Lantern Corps (all 3600 of them) and the all-knowing Guardians. Will Parallax reign supreme, or will Hal be able to confront his fear, overcome his fear, harness his fear, and defeat the fear that Parallax conjures. For God’s sake, we really, really hope so.
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie, pray tell? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
Music by Luis Humanoide from Pixabay
Music by Grand_Project from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay

“Although he kills his wife in quite a horrible way, he seems like a nice guy to me”
The Panel of Peril take a break from polishing their telescope: they’ve been going at it hard and their forearms are sore. In that downtime they take in the film of the week: Body Double (Brian De Palma, 1984).
Jake (Craig Wasson) is a down on his luck actor. His role as a vampire in a B movie is threatened by his crippling claustrophobia and his girlfriend is having an affair. At an acting workshop he meets Sam (Gregg Henry), a fellow actor with a plush spare apartment that overlooks the beautiful Gloria’s (Deborah Shelton) abode. What a stroke of luck for Jake! Or is it? A mysterious black-clad “Indian” appears to be stalking Gloria and taunting Jake. But what is his endgame?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMG8V7Am8zI
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Sam’s motives are very much ulterior. He plans to rob/murder Gloria who is actually his wife (!), and has installed a body double in her apartment for Jake to spy on so that Jake can be his alibi… deep breath. No one’s saying it isn’t a convoluted scheme, but it just might work! Can wet-behind-the-ears Jake decipher Sam’s machinations, or will he take the fall for the murderous master of disguise?
What the actual flip did the panel make of this one? How the actual flip can they improve upon the villain’s dastardly scheme? And who the actual flip will be victorious in this week’s competition?

“What if a shark got in here and went mad?”
The Panel of Peril abandon their dinghy and run out of the sea screaming at the top of their of their collective lungs! They have an appointment to keep with this week’s film and do not want to be late! Yes, this week they are watching Jaws (Steven Spielberg, 1975).
Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) thinks he’s in for a quiet life as the head of police on the small island of Amity. He’s quickly disabused of that notion when a shark attack threatens both the citizens of Amity and the lifeblood of the island: the tourist industry. Enlisting the help of marine biologist Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) and salty sea dog Quint (Robert Shaw), the odd trio are in a race against time to stop the Great White from killing again…
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1fu_sA7XhE
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Sad to say that Brody, Hooper and Quint are hindered in their quest by human foe Mayor Vaughan (Murray Hamilton). Refusing to accept that a shark is responsible for the savaged human remains, refusing to close the beaches in the interests of public safety, instructing reluctant citizens to go INTO the water… this son of a gun is a real piece of work. How can our heroes convince him to see sense and make Amity safe once again?
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie, pray tell? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
Sound Effect by Julius H. from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Sound Effect by Sandro Lima from Pixabay
Music by Geoff Harvey from Pixabay
Music by Music Unlimited from Pixabay

“Have we learnt nothing from the history of geology?”
The Panel of Peril rise from their slumber on the living chair, shirtless, and scream at their neighbours to turn that ruddy music down! They have a guest panellist in legendary comedy writer David Quantick (Harry Hill’s TV Burp, The Thick Of It, Danger Mouse, Veep et al), and a film to watch: Indiana Jones and The Dial of Destiny (James Mangold, 2023).
1969: Indy (Harrison Ford) is confronted by the ghosts of his past as goddaughter Helena (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) and Dr. Voller (Mads Mikkelsen) come back into his life. Both seek the mysterious Antikythera, or Archimedes’ Dial, which will either fetch a high price at market or provide Operation Paperclip sorts with the means to change the course of World War 2!
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQfMbSe7F2g
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Voller believes that the Dial possesses the means to travel back in time, and he plans to win the war for the Nazis. How? Seeing him as the weakest link in the master race’s plot for world domination, the good Doctor plans on assassinating one Adolf Hitler! Can he reunite the two halves of the all-powerful antique or will he be foiled by our whip-cracking hero and his latest batch of sidekicks?
What did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And what song did David Quantick hear Rob Brydon sing during a showbiz party?
Music by Oleg Kirilkov from Pixabay
Music by Geoff Harvey from Pixabay
Sound Effect by Peace,love,happiness from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay