DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“All things considered, I won’t be dressing up as The Matrix for Halloween anytime soon”
Waking up from an impromptu early evening nap at their work desk, the panel of peril are alarmed to find their computer seeming to type out words of its own accord. Those words? “Settle in and watch this week’s film The Matrix (The Wachowskis, 1999).” Woah.
Thomas Anderson (Keanu Reeves) is a workaday office drone with a side-line in computer hacking. But when he is contacted by the mysterious Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) on behalf of the mysterious Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), well that is when the mystery becomes truly mystifying. The world that we know is nothing but the simulation of machines that have taken over in the real world, using humans only as a power source by plugging them into The Matrix. Woah.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKQi3bBA1y8
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Being unplugged from The Matrix and joining the resistance in the real world, Neo soon learns that he is The One; the saviour of mankind who will lead the fight to overthrow the machines. But The Matrix has other ideas (it’s a tricky sod, like that) and deploys programs such as Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) and turncoats such as Cypher (Joe Pantoliano) to ensure the humans don’t get apricot one. Woah.
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie, pray tell? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical? (Woah)
Music by 26836267 from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay

“Sorry, Cameron. We don’t have the budget for bras”
The panel of peril perform the necessary preparations before their date with a beeeeyootiful blonde; for they are taking their beau to see a movie – this week’s movie There’s Something About Mary (Bobby and Peter Farrelly, 1998).
Mary (Cameron Diaz) is a bachelorette in high demand, particularly from brief high school flame Ted (Ben Stiller). When he hires private detective Pat Healy (Matt Dillon) to find her whereabouts everyone gets more than they bargained for as the sleazy PI becomes enamoured with her. Who will succeed in winning the girl, and what depths will they stoop to to do so?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=503D8hOfE_8
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Telling Ted a pack of lies about Mary’s condition, Healy ups sticks to Miami to try and woo the object of Ted’s affection. Spying on her to gain information that will aid his quest draws him into conflict with yet another suitor – erstwhile museum curator Tucker (Lee Evans), plus a mysterious figure from Mary’s past. Phew! That’s a lot of weird fellas, but whom shall win the fair maiden’s dainty hoof?
Did the panel enjoy this week’s cinematic serving? Could they find a way to improve the villainous plan? And who will be named this week’s most diabolical (person/podcast((er)))?

“I like how horny Hercules is”
The panel of peril return home from a voyage across the seven seas, wearied by battle against foes both human and… inhuman – skeletons and wotnot. Just after putting a big wash on for all their travel clothes, they settle in to watch this week’s film Jason And The Argonauts (Don Chaffey, 1963).
Jason (Todd Armstrong) and his merry band of Argonauts are sent on a perilous expedition to find the mythical golden fleece by his baddie uncle Pelias (Douglas Wilmer), who also sends his wrongun son, Acastus (Gary Raymond) along for the ride as a failsafe make sure Jason comes a cropper.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCGiU98vFq0
Yelling “Jason!” in Heavy Rain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYQDnV092hI
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Acastus is a bit of a rotten egg. He tries to stab Jason and has to get in the sea when he fails. Later he grasses up Jason to the king of fleece island, but then gets bitten to death by the hydra. After briefly engaging the skellington children of the vanquished hydra, Jason outwits them by getting in the sea and then makes whoopee with the lady and gets the fleece all messy.
What did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And who will be anointed this week’s most diabolical?
Music by JuliusH from Pixabay
Sound Effect by SoundReality from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay

“Hackers do not apostrophize”
The panel of peril dust off their leathers, straddle the cheap motorbike they’ve been painstakingly restoring, and speed through the cold winter’s night, homeward. Once they’ve warmed up with a hot toddy, they stick on this week’s film The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (David Fincher, 2011).
Disgraced journalist Mikkael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) takes on a decades old mystery at the behest of the elderly industrialist Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer): solve the mystery of his missing, presumed dead, niece Harriet. With the only means to the Vanger family island being blocked on the day in question, the perpetrator can only be one of the large Vanger clan. With mountains of evidence to sift through, Blomkvist enlists the help of a mysterious and difficult private investigator named Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara), to catch a killer of women before he or she can catch them.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVLvMg62RPA
Watch the opening credit sequence here (crank the volume): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY4f_83t_rw
John Cena announces that Osama Bin Laden has been killed at WWE Extreme Rules! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6maL6gq6qME
*********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
The deeper that Blomkvist and Salander get into the case, the worse the evidence becomes. Hedestad has been home to an antisemitic, misogynistic serial killer in the 1950s and 60s with the killings seemingly stopping when Harriet Vanger vanished. But it’s reasonable businessman Martin Vanger (Stellan Skarsgard) who has much more secretively taken up the mantle laid down by his father Gottfried so long ago. So it was Martin who killed his sister… Right?
What did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And who will be anointed this week’s most diabolical?
Music by Daddy’s Music Pixabay
Music by Daddy’s Music Pixabay
Sound effect by SoundsForYou | Pixabay
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“It’s like murder Pringles”
The panel of peril put on a pair of comically unwieldy magnifying-style glasses, shriek in the face of danger and down tools to view this week’s movie Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton, 1999).
Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp) has been summoned to the sleepy Dutch settlers town of Sleepy Hollow to investigate a series of murders by decapitation. The locals headed up by Baltus Van Tassel (Michael Gambon), Magistrate Philipse (Richard Griffiths), Dr. Lancaster (Ian Macdiarmid), and Katrina Van Tassel (Christina Ricci) insist that it is the work of a Headless Hessian Horseman (Christopher Walken). Could they possibly be right, a horseman? Headless? And to what end is he removing his target’s heads?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RsKwn_Je1k
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
The horseman is being controlled by the most powerful woman in the village, Lady Van Tassel (Miranda Richardson). She intends to exact revenge upon those she says stole her family land and home when she was but a child, but can Ichabod and his new buds crack the case in time?
What did the heck panel think of this week’s movie? How in all that is holy can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And which evil schemer will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
Music by GioeleFazzeri from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay

“They got Orson Welles to do the farts”
The panel of peril adjust their codpieces, lacquer their hair profusely, and settle down with our goblin lackeys to watch this week’s film Labyrinth (Jim Henson, 1986).
Sarah Williams (Jennifer Connelly) is a young woman who lives in somewhat of a fantasy world. And by that, I mean that she dresses up as a medieval princess down at her local park. Her parents aren’t happy about her lack of responsibility at all, but she’s having none of it. Until the night that she is pulled into an actual (?) fantasy world by Goblin King Jareth (David Bowie) and tasked with negotiating the titular labyrinth in order to rescue her baby brother. Umm, let’s just say high jinks ensue, okay?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2yd4em1I6M
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Turns out old Jareth has no interest in the child after all, instead he seeks Sarah’s hand in marriage before the stroke of midnight…
… Bit weird.
But fear not! Sarah has help in the form of dashing dog Sir Didymus, crotchety old troll Hoggle, and big, weird friendly monster Ludo! The fantastic four, you might call them. Yes, I’m certain that name has yet to be taken.
Did the panel enjoy this week’s cinematic serving? Could they find a way to improve the villainous plan? And who will be named this week’s most diabolical (person/podcast((er)))?

“Oooooh, dinosaurs!”
The panel of peril slow their day glo off road vehicle first to a crawl, then to a stop before removing their sunglasses and staring in awe at this week’s film, Jurassic Park (Steven Spielberg, 1993).
John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) has created the unthinkable, a park populated by long extinct dinosaurs, and invited several experts along before the grand opening. Alan Grant (Sam Neill), Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern), Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldlum) et al. arrive to see what the fuss is all about and find that Hammond has spared no expense. Dinos, ice cream, electric fences… it’s got the lot, but will the park run smoothly come opening? (no)
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWBKEmWWL38
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
There’s a fly in the DNA ointment by the name of Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight) wouldn’t you know? He’ll do whatever it takes to hand off a can full of dinosaur embryos to a rival company, even if it means sabotaging Jurassic Park to do so. It is, quite frankly, a health and safety NIGHTMARE.
What did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And who will be anointed this week’s most diabolical?
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Sound Effect by Placidplace from Pixabay
TED Talk on perception and The Grand Illusion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Il_D3Xt9W0

“Is homunculus a verb?”
Wandering absent mindedly into a local shop, the panel of peril become quite concerned as one of the proprietors begins to strip naked whilst the other rants at them about having been in a war. They are summarily tied to a stake and told to watch this week’s film The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse (Steve Bendelack, 2005).
World’s collide as The League of Gentlemen (Mark Gatiss, Reece Shearsmith, Steve Pemberton) are confronted by their own creations from two fictional worlds – but what do Geoff Tipps, Herr Lipp, Hillary Briss, Dr. Erasmus Pea (David Warner), Sir Nicholas Sheet-Lightning and the gang want with the writer-actors?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBCfhBEH2jQ
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Discovering a portal into the real world, the fictional characters of Royston Vasey venture forth to implore their creators not to kill them off or turn their attentions to new script The King’s Evil. But when the characters of that new script get wind of the nature of their existence, they too seek the creators. And their plan is of a far more diabolic nature.
What did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon the villains’ masterplan? And who will be coronated this week’s most diabolical?

“Once women everywhere are empowered, it would be time to bring in the rent boys”
One by one the panel of peril change up their weapon set as they engage in a life or death four way dual, as they smash and slice each armament to pieces in turn. The only thing that breaks their furious combat is a swift two hour viewing of this week’s film, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Ang Lee, 2000).
Jade Fox (Cheng Pei-pei) is a woman with a grudge against Wudan. And it just so happens that she and her apprentice Jen Yu (Zhang Ziyi) are in close proximity to a pre-eminent member of Wudan in Li Mu Bai (Chow Yun Fat). Can the nefarious duo exact revenge on Mu Bai and his forbidden love Yu Shu Lien (Michelle Yeoh), and take control of the legendary Green Destiny sword too?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jTdOdcMKoY
Spurned by a former Wudan lover and told that, as a woman, she cannot learn the secrets of their art, Jade Fox is ruddy fuming. She has already managed to assassinate Li Mu Bai’s master, but will she succeed in taking him out too?
Did the panel enjoy this week’s cinematic serving? Could they find a way to improve the villainous plan? And who will be named this week’s most diabolical (person/podcast((er)))?
Music by AntipodeanWriter from Pixabay
Sound Effect from Pixabay
Sound Effect by u_f1ee7vf7na from Pixabay

“Doesn’t matter, badgers are infinite”
The panel of peril all arrive home at the same time, Craig narrowly avoiding being run over by Gaz pulling his car into the garage, and dive onto their couch (and then something funny happens). Then they stick on this week’s film, The Simpsons Movie (David Silverman, 2007).
Springfield has become the most polluted town in the US and special measures will have to be taken. Head of the EPA, Russ Cargill (A. Brooks) decides that the best course of action is to place a dome over the entire town to seal the mob in like… carrots. Just how will Homer (Dan Castellaneta), Marge (Julie Kavner), Bart (Nancy Cartwright), Lisa (Yeardley Smith) and Maggie cope?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPG0MqIcby8
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
How will they cope? By escaping through a sinkhole and fleeing to Alaska, of course. During the course of their journey though, The Simpsons discover Cargill’s actual plan is to wipe Springfield from the map and turn the smouldering remains into a tourist attraction. Bugger. Can local idiot Homer foil the EPA’s evil scheme, or is Springfield done for?
What did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And who will be anointed this week’s most diabolical?